Slowly

losing my sanity…

help me.

My First & Last Tattoo

“love thyself”

Why have I been unlucky in love? There’s probably a lot of reasons, but I’ll give you three good ones:

1. I am only 18 years old. Despite the struggles that I’ve been going through these past few years, I still have my whole life ahead of me. In 18 years of living, I have yet to have a boyfriend. I came close to getting one during my freshman year, but of course my immaturity got in the way. I am still very much immature when it comes to love. Quite honestly, I don’t know when I’ll be ready. It’s definitely something that I think about, but I know deep in my heart that I just have to wait. Right now I’m just focusing on having fun with my life, after all, YOLO.

2. I don’t always love myself. This kind of ties in to the first one and how I’m still immature. I know that immaturity doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t love yourself, but it can, at least for me. Throughout my teenage years I’ve always been taught that in order to truly love someone, you must love yourself first. I’ve known this fact for a very long time, and yet I’ve always ignored it. I knew that I didn’t fully love myself,  yet I kept pursuing love. Obviously it didn’t work. I’ve put myself through so much unnecessary pain, and I’m tired of it. I want to love myself. No, I need to love myself. Not necessarily just for the sake of being able to truly love someone else, but also to stop myself from developing a destructive behavior. I can already feel it happening, and I want to end it before it gets worse.

I need to love myself, and if it takes a tattoo to remind of that, then so be it. I know that tattoos are supposedly permanent, and this is going to sound really ignorant and immature of me, but I beg to differ. We live in modern society, our technology is advanced enough to make something permanent such as a tattoo to disappear – albeit hurting like hell and leaving a scar. Either way, whether I regret this in the future or not, I don’t know, but I’m certainly not going to stress about it right now. I know this may seem out of character of me, but I’ve never felt so liberated and free from living in the moment. I’ve always been the one to live for the future and stress about it, but this was something new, a breathe of fresh air. And plus, above all I have much important things to do, like learning to love myself.

3. Well, I’m picky when it comes to men. I like tall, dark, handsome, and smart.

Losing Patience

I don’t think I’ve ever been as impatient as I am right now with my life. Nothing is happening and it is frustrating me to the point of insanity. Well, not insanity, more like minor depression. I am aware of this void in my life, yet I am not doing anything about it. I am slowly losing patience with myself and my inability to act. “Just do something, whatever it is, just do it,”  I tell myself this on days when I feel like shit, hoping that it would motivate me to take action, yet I never do. I feel defeated. I’ve been feeling like this for the past three weeks and I just want it to subside. I used to have a sense of self worth, but lately I’ve been feeling worthless. I’ve realized that I haven’t accomplished anything in my life and a part of me feels like it’s too late – even though I’m aware that it’s not. I just want things to change for the better but I know that my indolence will do nothing but prevent it from happening. I’m changing for the worse, and it’s scaring me. My behavior these past few weeks has not been stellar and it is one that would probably repulse most people. I am aware of this, yet I’m not doing shit. I’ve been living my life passively, and it is causing me to transform into the person that I’ve been avoiding for the past four years of my life. I’m scared and I’m sick of it. I need to somehow find a way to turn my life back around, and it’s going to take more than the words that I say to myself.

252012

I just want to get away from everything.

Senior Year Regrets (so far)

- not studying for my October SATs

- not applying to NYU

- not applying early

- being disorganized

fuck my life. i’m depressed as shit.

Friday the 13th

• I woke up at 5:30 feeling optimistic about my calculus test.
• After I finished my daily cup of tea, I showered, and got ready for school.
• I got to school still feeling optimistic, and I thought to myself, “screw Friday the 13th.”
• My first class of the day was Psychology.
• I had initially intended on studying for my test, but indolence took over me and prevented it from happening.
• After Psychology, I brushed off *insert name here* when he acknowledged me as I am determined to get over him.
• I walked to my next class, Student Government, alone because Esther wasn’t here.
• I needed Esther today because I wanted to discuss the Snow Patrol concert so her absence was unfortunate.
• The indolence that took over me during Psychology didn’t go away, and as a result, I didn’t do any  committee work.
• I left SGA still feeling optimistic about my upcoming calculus test.
• I got to calculus, sharpened my pencils, and sat down on my chair.
• I was given form B of the test.
• Once I saw the questions, I knew I was fucked.
• About 3/4 of my classmates stayed after class to finish, but only some actually completed it.
• I felt like shit afterwards.
• I went to my last class, Geography, feeling shitty.
• Ironically enough, I was able to do work.
• After the bell rang, I went home still feeling shitty.
• I was hungry so I cooked food for myself.
• After I finished cooking, I left my food alone, as I still felt shitty.
• I went upstairs to my room, and I thought about: everything that had happened today, the adverse situation that I am in, *insert name here*, and lastly turning 18.
• I cried.
• Afterwards, I went back downstairs to eat my food, and went back up right afterwards.
• I slept.
• When I woke up I tweeted like an attention whore. I was slightly feeling better, but still sad and annoyed at the same time.
• I mentioned one of my favorite male models, River Viiperi, in one of my tweets.
• He tweeted back saying “happy bday!!“
• Not surprisingly, it cheered me up.
• I stayed in bed mindlessly perusing my daily websites.
• I felt empty.

That is how I spent my last day of being a minor. Through it all I realized something about myself: I am not scared to die; both my pessimism and my temporary states of depression have caused me to feel impervious to the fear of death, is it a good or bad thing? I don’t know. This was one of the worst days that I’ve had in my life, and if it wasn’t for River’s tweet, I don’t know what I would have done. Today was my last day of being a minor, and I have nothing but fear for adulthood.

When will it get better?

I’m turning 18 tomorrow and I’m at my lowest point right now.

Apathy

Nothingness. What the fuck am I doing with my life?

I feel like I lost. I’ve lost it all…fuck.

Stuck in a Rut

fuck.

2011 in Retrospect

There are a few more hours of 2011 and here I am trying hastily to write my annual end of the year reflection. Unfortunately, last year’s reflection is gone as I was stupid enough to not realize that deleting my tumblr means PERMANENTLY deleting everything else that was on it, including my 2010 reflection. I usually save my reflections on my livejournal, but stupid ole’ me once again somehow forgot to do it. Although I have reflections from the past, the fact that I am missing 2010 angers me as it was the year when I did my 365 project. Stupid me for acting on impulse.

So anyways, where do I start? For the past three days I’ve been thinking about how to do my end of the year reflection for 2011. Should I try and remember my year by months, or should I just straight up write about it without any sort of organization? Well, yesterday night I found a solution, in fact, I think I found a fixed way of doing these things. I will categorize the things that I’ve learned and all that jazz by these categories: Family, Friends, Love, and Life. There may be some things that belong to two categories, and I will either put it in both or just one. Being that this was my last complete calendar year of being a minor, I feel that this is going to be an important reflection, hence the organization. Maybe in later years, I’ll add other categories, but as of right now, the four that I listed above shall be my focus. Be

Family:

If there’s any category that might offend people, it will be this one. The things that I will say will sound fucked up, but the important thing is that I am aware of it. Anyways, this year was the year when I realized the paradox that my family brings in my life. I live in a place where I am surrounded with people who are close with their families, and being that I wasn’t, I always felt somewhat inferior and slightly jealous at the same time. I have always been the black sheep, and although before I had hopes that this would somehow change, I knew within me that it wouldn’t. This year was the year that I finally accepted that, and surprisingly, I am okay with it. I gradually learned to stop hoping on them and it has caused me to really think about myself as an individual. You see, my family is like a cult, everyone shares the same beliefs and morals, and everyone acts pretty much the same. If you don’t value the same beliefs or the unity of family in general, then you are tacitly reprimanded. That’s how it works, and I realized that when I refused to follow the ways of the adults in my family. So I am alone, I have always been alone, but this time I fully embrace it without regrets. I rather be an individual than be a follower of outdated traditional values. This brings me to the paradox that I was talking about earlier. I don’t like my family but without them, I would have no motivation to become an individual that stands for the complete opposite of what they stand for. It is the motivation that I get from disliking them and not wanting to be like any of them that pushes me to do well, and honestly without them in my presence, I would be a failure, and I am aware of that. So that’s the paradox, they are essentially a hindrance to my sanity, but I need them in order for me to gain the motivation succeed and become my own individual. I don’t know how else to explain it, so hopefully if you’re reading this, you understand it. So that’s what I learned this year about my family, their “value” to me. Whether this changes next year or not, I do not know, but a part of me hopes that it doesn’t.

Oh yeah, I also want to touch on a specific family member, my mother. The hindrance that I was talking about earlier was directly towards my mother. If anything, she is the biggest hindrance in my life. Oh my god, I know I sound like such an asshole right now, I admit it, a big asshole. I love my mother and it really does kill me to defy her, but I need to in order for me to move on with my life. If you refer back to my old posts, there was a quote in Fifth Business that specifically talked about this, but anyways, that’s all I have to say as it was one of the biggest fact that I realized this year overall.

Friends:

I’m going to try and make this section as short and concise as possible. This year, I learned to stop trying to be friends with people who I know are bad influences. I learned that the friends I have now are temporary, and although it’s sad when you think about it, I have a whole life ahead of me to make lifelong friends. I am okay with this, and the realization makes the sadness of leaving my current friends behind after graduation easier. Honestly, and I don’t mean to digress, it is actually really sad how this whole thing with my group of friends worked out. All of us realizes that after high school, our group will deteriorate and we’re all okay with that. It’s fucked up, and I will make sure to not make the same mistake of forming such fleeting friendships in the future. Oh and one more thing, if a “friend” tries to change you, they shouldn’t be your friend. I’ve tried to change one of my friends so many times and I realized that by doing that, I was being a bad friend. So I have to stop doing that, and also try to avoid people with the same quality.

Love:

I don’t even know why I made this a category, like with the friends section, this will be a short category as I had no love life this year. However, I did learn something about myself regarding this topic. As cliché as it may sound, I learned that in order for me to even try and attempt to love someone, I would need to love myself first. I am still trying to do that, and hopefully by the end of next year, I will be close. Okay, I’m going to stop being corny now.

Oh yeah, this section was also created for me to talk about a certain boy who I will not name. This boy is different and although I don’t love him, he’s someone special to me. Throughout the whole year, we’ve had our ups and downs, and it’s usually me that always goes back to him. I don’t want to admit that as I see it as a sign of weakness, but I need to in order for this entry to be as truthful as possible. Anyways, the fact that I go back to him is a bad thing. I realized that and I can’t help it. When I don’t see him, I’m okay, but when I do, my feelings go back. It sucks and I hate the fact that I know it,  yet I am somehow immobilized and unable to take action. I’m hoping that next year, with graduation and everything, I will finally get over him. If not, then I am forever fucked. Just kidding, I know I’ll get over him after graduation at the latest. So I’m leaving this section at that. I am sorry if this section is a  bit hard to understand, but hey, when is love ever easy to understand?

Life:

With every encounters and every experiences that I’ve had this year, my last year of being a kid, you bet that I learned about my life. The things I’ve learned this year are hopefully enough to get me through my year of being an adult, I sure hope it’s enough, I don’t want to fail. Anyways, I am doing this section in bullet points because I am really tired right now and my brain is starting to lose its power.

• I learned that there are certain situations when it is necessary for me, for my own good, to be the bigger person and back down whether it be a verbal argument or a fight. Being able to stay calm while backing down is also essential as I learned with the arguments that I had with my uncle this year.
• Don’t hate me for saying this but I learned that sometimes, certain drugs can be good. This is of course only if the user knows how to control his or herself, and believe me, there are people like that out there. Personally, I feel that I am one of these people, and I say that humbly. If you are an adult reading this, you might think what do you know, you’re only 17. True, I am only 17, and maybe in the future things will change, but what matters now is that I know my limits. I just have to trust myself that I won’t lose sight of my limits as I know that it would start my downfall. Plus it’s not like I’m doing hardcore drugs or anything, I am way too smart for that.
• I learned to discriminate between what’s important and what’s not in regards to all aspects in life such as friends, family, school etc…
• I learned the importance of being educated. If anything, this year has made me realize that there are so many more things that I need to learn in my life. I feel as I am lagging and one of my goals next year is to basically read and learn more about the world.
• Last but not least, I learned the importance of giving back. I realized that despite the adversities that I am going through right now, there are millions of people who have it worse. I don’t know how I am going to do it, but I will give back. I’ve been so selfish and I’ve taken so many things for granted and as an adult, I can’t live like that anymore. I don’t want to be like the people in my family.

So that is it. I’ve learned quite a few things this year and I’m ready to start 2012. I honestly hope that these lessons will help me become a better person. No more fooling around. Now that I realized that I am alone, I have to take responsibility of myself. I am graduating this year and my life is essentially going to start. Am I ready? I have to be. I have no other choice.