Oddly Enough

I finally feel complete. I haven’t had this feeling in a while, and I’m aware that it may subside, but as for now, I am going to cherish it.

Today was a monumental day for me.

Damn.

Today

I realized that I’m surrounded by a bunch of closed-minded assholes.

Slowly

losing my sanity…

help me.

My First & Last Tattoo

“love thyself”

Why have I been unlucky in love? There’s probably a lot of reasons, but I’ll give you three good ones:

1. I am only 18 years old. Despite the struggles that I’ve been going through these past few years, I still have my whole life ahead of me. In 18 years of living, I have yet to have a boyfriend. I came close to getting one during my freshman year, but of course my immaturity got in the way. I am still very much immature when it comes to love. Quite honestly, I don’t know when I’ll be ready. It’s definitely something that I think about, but I know deep in my heart that I just have to wait. Right now I’m just focusing on having fun with my life, after all, YOLO.

2. I don’t always love myself. This kind of ties in to the first one and how I’m still immature. I know that immaturity doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t love yourself, but it can, at least for me. Throughout my teenage years I’ve always been taught that in order to truly love someone, you must love yourself first. I’ve known this fact for a very long time, and yet I’ve always ignored it. I knew that I didn’t fully love myself,  yet I kept pursuing love. Obviously it didn’t work. I’ve put myself through so much unnecessary pain, and I’m tired of it. I want to love myself. No, I need to love myself. Not necessarily just for the sake of being able to truly love someone else, but also to stop myself from developing a destructive behavior. I can already feel it happening, and I want to end it before it gets worse.

I need to love myself, and if it takes a tattoo to remind of that, then so be it. I know that tattoos are supposedly permanent, and this is going to sound really ignorant and immature of me, but I beg to differ. We live in modern society, our technology is advanced enough to make something permanent such as a tattoo to disappear – albeit hurting like hell and leaving a scar. Either way, whether I regret this in the future or not, I don’t know, but I’m certainly not going to stress about it right now. I know this may seem out of character of me, but I’ve never felt so liberated and free from living in the moment. I’ve always been the one to live for the future and stress about it, but this was something new, a breathe of fresh air. And plus, above all I have much important things to do, like learning to love myself.

3. Well, I’m picky when it comes to men. I like tall, dark, handsome, and smart.

Losing Patience

I don’t think I’ve ever been as impatient as I am right now with my life. Nothing is happening and it is frustrating me to the point of insanity. Well, not insanity, more like minor depression. I am aware of this void in my life, yet I am not doing anything about it. I am slowly losing patience with myself and my inability to act. “Just do something, whatever it is, just do it,”  I tell myself this on days when I feel like shit, hoping that it would motivate me to take action, yet I never do. I feel defeated. I’ve been feeling like this for the past three weeks and I just want it to subside. I used to have a sense of self worth, but lately I’ve been feeling worthless. I’ve realized that I haven’t accomplished anything in my life and a part of me feels like it’s too late – even though I’m aware that it’s not. I just want things to change for the better but I know that my indolence will do nothing but prevent it from happening. I’m changing for the worse, and it’s scaring me. My behavior these past few weeks has not been stellar and it is one that would probably repulse most people. I am aware of this, yet I’m not doing shit. I’ve been living my life passively, and it is causing me to transform into the person that I’ve been avoiding for the past four years of my life. I’m scared and I’m sick of it. I need to somehow find a way to turn my life back around, and it’s going to take more than the words that I say to myself.

252012

I just want to get away from everything.

Senior Year Regrets (so far)

- not studying for my October SATs

- not applying to NYU

- not applying early

- being disorganized

fuck my life. i’m depressed as shit.

Friday the 13th

• I woke up at 5:30 feeling optimistic about my calculus test.
• After I finished my daily cup of tea, I showered, and got ready for school.
• I got to school still feeling optimistic, and I thought to myself, “screw Friday the 13th.”
• My first class of the day was Psychology.
• I had initially intended on studying for my test, but indolence took over me and prevented it from happening.
• After Psychology, I brushed off *insert name here* when he acknowledged me as I am determined to get over him.
• I walked to my next class, Student Government, alone because Esther wasn’t here.
• I needed Esther today because I wanted to discuss the Snow Patrol concert so her absence was unfortunate.
• The indolence that took over me during Psychology didn’t go away, and as a result, I didn’t do any  committee work.
• I left SGA still feeling optimistic about my upcoming calculus test.
• I got to calculus, sharpened my pencils, and sat down on my chair.
• I was given form B of the test.
• Once I saw the questions, I knew I was fucked.
• About 3/4 of my classmates stayed after class to finish, but only some actually completed it.
• I felt like shit afterwards.
• I went to my last class, Geography, feeling shitty.
• Ironically enough, I was able to do work.
• After the bell rang, I went home still feeling shitty.
• I was hungry so I cooked food for myself.
• After I finished cooking, I left my food alone, as I still felt shitty.
• I went upstairs to my room, and I thought about: everything that had happened today, the adverse situation that I am in, *insert name here*, and lastly turning 18.
• I cried.
• Afterwards, I went back downstairs to eat my food, and went back up right afterwards.
• I slept.
• When I woke up I tweeted like an attention whore. I was slightly feeling better, but still sad and annoyed at the same time.
• I mentioned one of my favorite male models, River Viiperi, in one of my tweets.
• He tweeted back saying “happy bday!!“
• Not surprisingly, it cheered me up.
• I stayed in bed mindlessly perusing my daily websites.
• I felt empty.

That is how I spent my last day of being a minor. Through it all I realized something about myself: I am not scared to die; both my pessimism and my temporary states of depression have caused me to feel impervious to the fear of death, is it a good or bad thing? I don’t know. This was one of the worst days that I’ve had in my life, and if it wasn’t for River’s tweet, I don’t know what I would have done. Today was my last day of being a minor, and I have nothing but fear for adulthood.

When will it get better?

I’m turning 18 tomorrow and I’m at my lowest point right now.

Apathy

Nothingness. What the fuck am I doing with my life?

I feel like I lost. I’ve lost it all…fuck.